Real Courage

As an adoptive mother I get a lot of the "oh, you're so great to do what you do" type of comments.   I never know how to respond to that. What I want to say is, we had a void, our boys had a void, and God filled our void with each other (simply under stated for a very convoluted circumstance).  But it's not happily ever after.  Being able to call my boys mine came from excruciating circumstances that I could never fathom.  Those circumstances leave a void for my boys with lingering pain and hard questions that will come later in life while my void was pretty much fulfilled.  And somewhere, another woman now and will always have a different type of void.  So, really, I am not that great.

And while I seemingly get all the glory (gag), there is someone else who deserves far more credit than she receives...the birthmother.  Many of the comments I hear reflect a somewhat judgmental attitude (okay, a very judgmental attitude, if I am being honest) that conveys the message that "if I were in their shoes, I would never....) Actually, would you never...?  How can you say that? How could you say what you would or would not do if you were in the shoes of someone who was not born into the circumstances that you are blessed with (whether that be financially or relationally) and probably could not fathom what to do with the resources (again, both financially and/or relationally) that you have? You just really never know what you would or would not do because you can't begin to even fathom all of the circumstances that brought them where they are.  And I am not saying this to say that I know what I would do, either.  I don't. And that's the thing.  Maybe I would make different decisions.  Maybe I wouldn't.  I don't know.


But the other side of it is this...did you ever stop to think about the courage that it takes to make the decision to place your child for adoption? The humility in recognizing that you want better for your child than what you know you can give?  That would be incredibly hard...and incredibly courageous...and incredibly humbling.  I guess I have to wonder if this might be why some potential adoptions fall through - because it takes courage, and it takes the ability to think beyond the now and to give a child a life that, for one reason or another, the birthparents do not think they can give. I don't know.


I guess what I am saying is there is more than meets the eye.  Adoption is such a deep, deep issue and what you think you see doesn't even begin to tap into it.  So, next time you think about an adoptive family or hear about a potential adoption, reconsider your thoughts and your attitudes. There are no heroes or villains.  We are all just people trying to make the best out of a very difficult circumstance.  And I truly believe, that my part in doing so may very well be "easier" than if I were on the other side of the fence.