Reflections

Things have been so busy lately, we are just now putting up our Christmas tree. I really didn't think we would get around to it, and Nate and I kept debating back and forth on whether the trouble was worth it for only having it up for two weeks. But, we had a free day today, so we decided we might as well take the time to welcome Christmas into our house once again...even though part of me wanted to spurn the traditions that hold little "Christ"mas value. But, they are traditions none the less and as I began working on the tree, I began reflecting on many Christmases past and the traditions those memories beheld. Isn't that the beauty of traditions?

Honestly, in the past several years, and especially the last two, holidays were a bittersweet time for me. As I looked forward to spending time with family, it was also hard to face get togethers full of children and pregnant family members when that is all I really want and had dreamed and prayed about for years. I remember leaving these times filled with an ache leading to streams of tears and Nate consoling me and sharing that ache in the loss that we continually faced. Someone recently asked me if I would ever get over our infertility. No...no, I don't think I will. It's a very tangible and legitimate loss that often goes unrecognized by many as being worthy of true greiving process. While I am overjoyed at being able to adopt, and the path that God has lead us down, there will still be a feeling of loss as we aren't able to provide this world with a replication of who we are as a couple and the love that we have for one another. And I think that's okay. Just as many people face the loss of a loved one through death and will never fully "get over" that loss, that's how it is with us. As with a physical death, I think time heals and the ache decreases, but, no, the feeling of loss will never completely disappear...

As I prepared the tree today, I found myself praying for those who face that emptiness once again and balance the joy that Christmas brings with the difficulty that one also faces as you wish you could be shopping for your children, hanging an extra stocking, and looking forward to starting new traditions with your own family. It's a hard time for couples in the lonely confines of infertility. And they might not let on, but I am guessing that if you got a sneak peak into the depths of their hearts, that ache and sadness is a heavy presence.

It has almost been a full year in the process of this adoption, as we began the day after Christmas last year. We didn't know what God had in store for us. But the ache and longing for a child had been present in our lives for quite some time, and it always came to its peak right around this time every year. We could ignore it no longer. We had been discussing adoption for several years and finally trusted that that was where God was leading us. I can't believe that we are already facing another Christmas...time has gone by so quickly. While we still don't have our son home with us, we do have his sweet face to look at and to pray over. And as I continue to prepare for this Christmas, my heart is again filled with that bittersweetness...not as much with the ache of past years, but more with thoughts of where our son is now and and not being able to be with him and share this celebration of Christ's birth with him this year. But, our hearts are full of joy with thoughts of this next year and all the changes we eagerly anticipate with the arrival of our first child. We praise God for the journey He has faithfully led us on and we know that without going on this journey we wouldn't be who we are today and we wouldn't be anticipating the joining of two families through this beautiful child that God has divinely chosen for us.