Life

Almost another month has gone by. Crazy how time flies. I really have been meaning to update more frequently, but many things have stopped me. One of which is making my heart pitter-patter at increasing rates as I dig down to make this update. So, here goes...

Where to start? I guess I'll start with the hardest part first, the part that makes me not want to go any further because admitting it, especially on this blog (thus the extended avoidance), makes it all the more real. And reality hurts. A lot. Levi has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. We have actually "known" about the possibility for quite some time, but we only found out with certainty about a month ago. We knew something wasn't quite right not long after we had been home. He wasn't meeting his milestones. He wasn't using his left hand very much. He wasn't putting any weight on his legs. We had an MRI. The call I received from our developmental pediatrician was definitely not what I expected and I will likely remember that day forever. At that point, though, it was less definitive and we still had more questions and few answers. We were scheduled for an appointment with the neurology department at Riley, but we had to wait over 2 months for an appointment. So, July 19 we headed down to Riley for a visit with the neurologist. We weren't exactly sure what to expect. We had only received a letter in the mail telling us of our appointment date and time with quite a bit of paperwork to fill out. I knew I wanted to see the results of Levi's MRI scan, but other than, I wasn't sure what to expect. Well, we got to see the scans and the doctor (the doctor who could use lots of help in bedside manner) explained what we were seeing in the scans. I won't go in to detail, you don't need to know that, and I don't even know if I could fully explain everything anyway...and I just don't want to. What it comes down to is that Levi has "mild to moderate" brain damage, mostly in the white matter area of his brain that affects his motor skills. Hence, the reason why he was not and continues to struggle meeting his milestones.

So there is the very shortened facts of what's been going on. I don't even know that even if I had wanted to post about this sooner that I even could have. I have had so much to process, so many emotions, so many thoughts, so many struggles. I think of all the things, the hardest was losing/readjusting our dreams once again (as was necessary with infertility). This is not how we pictured our life. We didn't ask for this. We naively thought that the hard part was over...the infertility, the wait for Levi...and we thought we would be happy ever after. Not that we can't. But, this just isn't the way we pictured it. Who does? Just as anyone with a child has dreams for them the minute they learn about their existence, we had dreams for Levi and our family. Dreams that, we know, our larger family shared, too. With the diagnosis of his CP, those dreams aren't vanished, I am not saying that. It's just adjusting to a new knowledge. We don't know what Levi will be able to do. The nature of CP is that it's really hard to know the prognosis (and there are a wide range of possibilities). It's a lot of wait and see...will he crawl? will he walk? will he talk? It's just hard to say right now because all of these things are controlled by the white matter part of the brain, the fine and gross motor skills that allow us the capability of doing what most people take for granted.

What we do know is that Levi is able to do many things. The things right now that seem to be most affected are his left arm and trunk (torso, shoulders, neck). So, he is not able to sit on his own, hasn't begun crawling, and obviously walking. We aren't sure about his speech, but we know in some way that is affected as well. But, we are working on all of these things and are hopeful that he will achieve them in time, whether in full or in part.

I don't know why God chose this path for us. I am sure I will never know. I do know He alone gives me the strength to get through it. And, I don't know what I would do, what hope I would have, if my eternal hope and trust wasn't in Him. On the hardest of days, that is what gets me through. But, those days are fewer and far between.

Regardless of what Levi is able to do or not, I love him more than I ever thought possible. His abilities or lack thereof, in no way change the way I feel about him or have felt about him since day one, November 23 when I first saw his beautiful face. If anything, I love him more and I am less apt to take him for granted. He truly is our Levi Bereket...our "connection" and our "blessing."