Birthdays, Orthotics, and Eye patches

Actually, that's reverse order...it should be: eye patches, orthotics, and birthdays. Oh my. So much to think about. I almost have too much going on in my head. I've been writing a post (well, I guess you could say, this post) for the past couple of weeks. I think I could title it many different ways. I've been a bit melancholy. Sometimes I don't even realize it, and then I feel like I am going to cry at the smallest things. With Levi's first birthday next week, there has been a lot on my mind besides planning his birthday party (though, we are keeping it pretty small). I don't know how much to say, or even what to say, really. Again, the conflicting emotions of being an adoptive mom. I feel so blessed to be sharing this birthday with Levi, but I can't help but feel a deep sadness at the loss that has allowed me to share in this sweet time for our son. I can't help but think of a family in Ethiopia, whether they know the day or not, who might be thinking about him, and maybe us, too. If circumstances were different, would they be enjoying his sweet laugh? Would they smile back at the constant smile in his eyes? Would these things still characterize him in that different environment? Oh, the question are endless. Is it too much to ask myself and wonder these things? I don't know.

And as Levi's first birthday quickly approaches (how are we here already?!), I not only think about where Levi might be in Ethiopia but also where he should be physically. We should not be dealing with eye patches and orthotics. We should not be going to therapy three times a week and getting ready to add a fourth. We should not be carrying him around because of his lack of mobility. But we are.

God did not ask me what I thought. But, God does care what I think. He knows what I think. What will I do with these thoughts? I was challenged in Bible study today by our pastor's wife that it's not enough to know this. Do I TRUST? Do I trust my Shepherd, His character, His faithfulness, that what He has planned is best for me, for Levi, for our family? It's a daily choice. Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.