I was visiting my sister this weekend and was talking with one of her friends about my last post. She was curious as to the various comments/questions that we have received and wondered what our experience has been like. Fortunately, we have been very blessed with positive and encouraging words from most people. (Both Nate and I would say that our experience on vacation in Colorado was one of the only places we felt we were not received as positively and had a few comments that were unkind.) I am thankful for this conversation and for her willingness to ask us questions. I don't want people to ever feel afraid to ask us questions, and hopefully we haven't deterred anyone from opening those doors of conversation in the past. In general, especially with people we know, I know where your heart is when you ask and trying to understand where you are coming from is where I hope to always begin the conversation (as opposed to automatically being offended by something you didn't mean). Please don't take it personally if I want to help you better articulate what you mean, though! ;)
Anyway, in this discussion my sister's friend asked what, if any, comments or questions bothered us besides the "where did you get them?" question (and I have to tell you, my sister and her friend had some pretty good comebacks to that question!). The one other question that we receive on a semi-regular basis that I despise is "Are they brothers?" My answer: Of course they are brothers!!
Several points on this:
- I know what the question is really getting at but why should that matter to anyone? I feel like it's a very selfish question that is just satisfying the questioners curiosity; what other purpose does the question serve?
- Most people would not think to ask this question to a "typical" family you come across, why would you ask it of us?
- This question can also be hurtful to my children - maybe not now, but when they get older. Of course they are brothers, and why would anyone question them (or us in front of the boys) on that? We see ourselves as a family. Father. Mother. Sons. Brothers. No explanation or qualifiers needed.
- There are people out there who marry people that don't look like them. What if you walked up to someone who had a daughter or son that was a different skin tone or didn't look the same race as them and found out that they, in fact, are biological and that they just favor one parent over another? I know this happens. Be careful assuming.
More thoughts to consider when having/starting a discussion with an adoptive family:
- Consider why you are asking the question. Curiosity? Don't ask.
- Be considerate of who is around. Parents may be more willing to have an open discussion when the kids aren't present. When kids are present, be very careful about what you say. Don't talk about the kids to the parents when the kids are right there.
Okay...off my soapbox for now. If there is a question or comment you are wondering whether it is appropriate or not you can leave a note in the comment section anonymously and I can try to answer it from our perspective. (I know, I know...it's a long shot that someone actually will, but I thought I would at least offer). :)
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